017Sing for me…

posted by Kulit on February 23rd, 2006

She asked me to sing for her. A simple request, one I promised to honor in place of a romantic token. The flowers I couldn't afford, or a card I didn't purchase.

A song from me.

Already I was terrified. I had visions of singing in front of my class on the third grade, my voice shaking, my thoughts reciting the lyric over and over again. I've memorized it. I choked so badly I could hear my classmates laughing in the background. The lyrics still in my head, it was one of those childhood nightmares you wouldn't think of conjuring up while your girlfriend looks at you longingly, expectantly, big brown eyes staring at you waiting for something audible from your lips.

What's wrong with me? I printed out the lyrics, played it over and over again on the media player, earphones pinned to my ear as I listen to Alanis sing her poetry.
The lyric was fitting as well. A perfect testament of how I am, how I feel, how she made me feel.

Why can't I sing it? I know I'd probably sing it badly. She knows it. We both don't care if I sounded crappy which is almost certain. But no words came out, least of all anything melodic.
Performance anxiety? I already have an excuse; she's already prepared to excuse me. I knew it the moment a sigh escape from her lips. I hang my head low, and we're both disappointed.

My neurosis had won over me again.

I took it badly. Thought about her being unfair for putting me on the spot, knowing very well I'd react in that manner. Knowing very well I'd be a big baby about it. It bothered me that I disappointed her.

Went all broody and sulk earlier this week which caused a little spat. Okay, not a spat, a misunderstanding. A semi-argument that got us both near tears with every text message back.
What? :p We both work.

I sent something I regretted the moment I saw the words 'sent'. Something grotesque and unforgivable and friggin stupid I'd wanted a club to whack my head with after. I fumbled with the keys and typed in the words and sent it out knowing it might cut her. Still it was sent.

And I was sorry soon after.

Truth is I know we're not perfect. I am high maintenance and easily bothered by the little imp in the back of my head everyone has ascribed to be my insecurities. I could tell you the sad story of me being dyslexic, misunderstood, abused or sort of abandoned but really it's just an excuse. I mean, despite it all I think it didn't fundamentally change who I am, I am still intact. I can still sing. I think I'm just afraid to be heard.

Dadje in her brilliant, confidant ways, I know she wants me to be brave as well. She wanted to be wooed by a song at the same time burst this little personal bubble.

I think she thought it'd be the first step to actually getting me to shake my booty, which I don't do just for anybody. Mostly because I am a horrid dancer as well. And really, have you seen my gf dance? She's amazing. I'm afraid that I might hurt her, I mean physically. And she has such cute toes too.

Anyway, I warned her about what she was getting. She was getting me and my issues, and secrets and the occasional brooding.

And yet, she's still here. Made her mad of course. I offered my hair to be pulled just to vent out her frustrations with me. And there's a lot of hair to pull. (yeah, gross, sorry).
"I don't give up easily." She says. I can just imagine a glint in her eyes. And I know she was getting a challenge.

What can I say; I think I got the best thing that has ever happened to me. In a slim package, an infectious smile and a determined and confident persona. And yet she's all the more dear to me because of her heart. The most beautiful thing God has ever cut in the world. A true gem I was lucky enough to find.

I've heard people say that finding their loved one completes them, makes them whole. But I always thought that I grow better because I have her.

And so I think, if anyone can hear me sing and be truly heard. I can find no better audience.
And if she's really able to risk those lovely toes then maybe I could dance with her too.

Life is lovelier when you can do those simple pleasures I guess. And it's time I'd learn to do that.

B, I'm sorry I'm such a pain the ass.