100Frailty

posted by Kulit on November 21st, 2006

It’s hard to note the subtle differences between my life before and what I have now. Certainly, there’s no denying the degree of comfort and security in knowing that at the end of the day, there is someone there I can come home to. It’s hard to imagine life without knowing a familiar silhouette, the warmth and the strength in an embrace and a gaze that would hold more weight than words. A tide of change I’ve embraced in a span of a year. It’s hard not to get caught up and lose myself in it. And I did, for a while.

    I was hurt to learn that I cannot completely devote myself for the person that I love. I was reminded, even lectured like a child on how it can be destructive. Something I’ve known and seen firsthand and yet I saw no wrong in giving up everything which I thought would be the natural transition of things.

    And the worst thing I could possibly expect is for her to feel/do the same.

    I was wrong of course.We’re not supposed to complete each other. My life and her life would always be tied to our respective work, responsibilities, families and dreams. All of which that defines us as individuals.

    I thought that it would be easy to give up things that mean to me before in exchange for new dreams, a new life. Sad as it may be to admit, ever since my mom and my baby sister moved to the States, the “family” that I once knew no longer exist. My sister Sam is busy with her college life; she pretty much does her own thing and is self-sufficient until I get the urgent text to help her out of a bind. I feel no closer to my dad whom I’ve had an uneasy relationship with ever since… well, ever since I can remember.

    They are still my family of course; I still have a very close relationship with my sisters and still hold to my responsibilities as the eldest. I’m still my mother’s daughter. But I also have this need to have my own life. I am after all, in my mid-20s.

    I have really good friends whom I care for and who care for me, but I’ve always kept them at a distance. Call it my neurosis but it has never been my greatest suit to welcome people into my life.

    To my surprise, some of these friendships have withstand time and distance. And I feel privileged to know, share a glimpse and a measure of their lives.

    Lately, I’ve had the chance to re-examine the life I had before, the friends I kept, the kind of lifestyle I had. I realize that I’m not a huge risk taker. I live my life practically turtle-shelled. But I know that I do value family, friendship and loyalty. Something I know my partner values too.

    I think I am always in awe of Dadje and her uninhibited ways, and how she could strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger and charm them. I know that I have a lot to learn about honesty and trust and about being a good partner. That it doesn’t mean giving up who I am.

    I use to be all about losing myself, being obsessive but that kind of love burns out really quick. And I know I have something that would last. And I know I’m going to be working really hard to make this relationship work. And also, work on myself. To be that kind of person she would be proud of.