132The year and years that passed

posted by Dadje on December 30th, 2006

Twelve years ago, I looked at life so differently.  Life for me then was full of angst, hatred and pessimism.  Most of the hardships were self-inflicted, I would say. I very much wanted to end it my way but I gave life a chance.  Or better yet, I gave myself a chance to understand what being alive is.  That it wasn't about finding a purpose in life but it is just about living.  To enjoy that time between birth and death.

A lot of things happened over the past 12 years.  First, there was college life.  That's the part where I unlearned a lot.  I fell to some sort of depression while struggling to pass my course.  That's when I started to be harsh to myself and the world.  School was feeding on my inferiority, if I was right for the course I enrolled in.  It was hard all together and not having someone to talk to about everything that I was going through.  On my own, I fought little by little each day thought there were times I'd get lost in all of it.  I graduated alive.

Second, my first serious relationship.  Met her during the college turmoil.  She was a help to me but also another struggle I had to fight.  Having her in my life took my mind away from the negativities I saw in life.  We were together for more than 7 years but it ended.  We had our lives in that relationship just to show the world that lesbians can share a life together.  It was hard to accept that it was all over but I did.  Thinking about it, it was best that it ended.  We were just moving in circles, have consumed each other's energy that we didn't know what the relationship was for.  We have moved on, hopefully wiser in our own ways.

And then there's my work life.  I'm proud of what I have achieved so far.  Back in college I dreamt of climbing the corporate ladder and I guess I'm making that come true.  I have worked hard for where I am right now.  From a lowly assistant who was asked to run around the office to being a direct report of a senior vice president.  This is the part where I learned that if you put passion in what you do, you will be greatly rewarded.  I love the learning especially people management.  That's one thing you won't get to learn from reading.

Lastly, my significant other – Kulit.  Meeting my partner made all other things fall into its proper place.  All that I needed was a layout artist. J  She came at a time when I was rebuilding my life after the break-up.  A lot of good things happened since I had her.  As they often say, when something is taken from you it is replaced with something better.  Now I am believer in that.  If you have read my previous postings, you know how much this woman means to me.  She is the icing on the cake!  My most cherished gift from life and I fervently pray that I can keep her for a long time.

In all these things that have happened to me, I can only be thankful. 12 years, different people, different places, different experiences.  All these made me the person I am now.  No regrets in the decisions I made.  A person chooses how to live his or her life.  I choose mine this way.  A life with much lesser pessimism, it's much better to bear.  I remember watching Oprah and how her guests would give testimonies of how their lives have become much easier to live after getting rid of worries, anger and all the negative stuff.  I doubted if it can happen.  But it did, not an overnight thing…12 years and still going.

I'll be turning 30 next year and a person can only be wiser not older.

Live. Love. Respect.